MAC AND ME (1988) Review

Mac and Me will definitely be one of the most terrible and hilariously-insane American lovefests you’ll ever see, brought to you by friends at Corporate America.

This movie is fucking terrible, but if you think this is the worst movie ever made, then you are clearly against the American way, that seemingly one way of life that everybody ought to adhere to.

It’s a God-given American right to endorse our nation’s corporations. It’s a God-given American right to rip-off popular films for our own financial gain (or loss). And it’s a God-given right to hate and make fun of those who are different from us. Sure, God never said anything about any of those things, but it’s a God-given right to attribute things to God that we think he would have agreed with, seeing as how everything about God is clearly made up.

This film has been accused of being nothing more than an E.T. rip-off. Ludicrous accusation. If it weren’t for rip-offs, we wouldn’t have M&M’s, Hollywood, John McCain or even America. Furthermore, where E.T. was just a pile of sentimental crap with no value behind it, unashamedly pandering to our emotions, Mac and Me contains pertinent social and political messages, unashamedly pandering to our emotions and Corporate America.

Plus, I don’t have any emotions.

Released at the end of the Reagan era in 1988, Mac and Me is a ludicrous, hilarious and insane jumble of rah-rah Americanism, love for our corporate sponsors, hatred of everything non-white, even managing to throw in some statements about preserving the sanctity of the American way and statements against illegal immigration. Hell, the film is about ‘aliens’ in America. SUBTLETY, WHAT’S THAT?

The film begins on some distant planet somewhere, where we are immediately introduced to our alien friends.

Literally the first thing you see… You can still walk away from this film…

Whoa. Ugly little fuckers, ain’t they? And I know what you’re thinking: haven’t I seen these ass-ugly creatures somewhere before? Well, you have…

REALLY?!

Maybe…

Maybe not…

Uh… Fuck yeah.

You racist fuckers. Don’t even tell me that wasn’t what you were thinking. And people accuse me of bigotry. When, in fact, my equal hatred of all things (things including people) has allowed me to see past this kid-friendly garbage for the racist monstrosity it’s supposed to be. Anyone who’s ever said, hey, those are some of the ugliest creatures I’ve ever seen in my life, well… You’re bigots who think anything non-white is ugly and hideous. You just didn’t realize it. I’m just here to enlighten you with the truth.

The aliens from the Alien series were meant to serve as male and female sexual symbols and imagery. The aliens from Mac and Me are symbols and imagery, too, representations of everything non-white.

Yes, folks, these scummy, disgusting, emaciated, ugly lifeforms which represent everything that is non-white, from the looks on their faces to their color, the desert lifestyle to their cultural attitudes, and… Well… Everything else… Specifically, these creatures are nothing more than just caricatures for anything non-American and, the film, a propagandistic piece of how these deformed creatures embrace the American way of life. U-S-A!

Whoa, wait just a thoughtless minute…

Barack “Mac” Obama.

Is that Obama? Are they trying to tell us that Barack Obama was actually not born in the United States? Man, I didn’t realize that those annoying birthers have been around for so fucking long. But after watching this fictional film, I am convinced now of their ridiculous and groundless accusations.

Obama was not born in Hawaii (which is, like, not even American, anyway, because it’s like all the way out there in the ocean, somewhere). He was not even born in Kenya. Sure, it’s bad enough being born in Kenya. Worse, Obama was born in… outer space. He is an alien in every sense of the word. I knew there was a reason to hate Obama that didn’t just involve skin color. Deport his ass back to space!

Could this be why “Mac” Obama killed the Space Program?

If you want to know what killed the Space Program, look no further than this film.

So basically the aliens come across some NASA craft and they literally get sucked into it, becoming unwanted cargo, as the craft returns to Earth. The aliens end up escaping, somehow, managing to elude even General Keith Hernandez. Yes, Mr. Hernandez can catch a baseball just fine, but ask him to catch aliens and he is at a loss.

“I’m Keith Hernandez, and I have no idea what I’m supposed to be looking at.”

Unfortunately, the youngest alien becomes separated from the rest of his family. At least, I think it’s a he. It doesn’t really matter in the long run, anyway.

Cut to our typical white Middle American family. They’re moving to, where else, California, the heartland of America. There’s Eric, the wheelchair-bound replacement for that kid in E.T.; Michael, the teenaged brother; and Janet, the single mother. Where’s the father, you ask? Caught between the edges of a picture frame, like they always are in these movies.

Two and half men. I’ll let you decide who’s half a man: the woman or the kid in the wheelchair.

Also, this is just about the lowest way to inspire emotion and sympathy for your main character: give him a physical deformity, a handicap. Too bad, I’m all out of sympathy. The fact that he can’t walk makes him so damn special? This kid’s a kid, too, which already makes him half a person. Using kids to inspire sympathy is bad enough, this kid is in a wheelchair.

Anyway, unbeknownst to the family, they have a stowaway on board. So basically this film involves the kid in the wheelchair discovering this alien lifeform (which one of the other characters calls “cute”, whereupon you promptly proceed to throw up), capturing it, and then befriending it. Surprisingly, he has a tough time convincing his family.

Look at that hideous fucking thing. It even looks like a Big Mac.

The alien (named MAC, for “mysterious alien creature” and “blatant product whoring”) begins causing all sorts of problems, like trashing the house they’ve just moved into, being all mysterious and alien-like, and turning electrical equipment on with, uh, its magic powers.

Of course, the mother thinks Eric, the kid in the fucking wheelchair, is behind the family’s problems. That’s right, lady, blame the most obvious thing you can: the mutant half-creature… The handicapped boy. Those handicapped bastards think they can get away with anything.

While Eric attempts to convince the rest of his family that they’re being fucked over by an alien, he also befriends the girl next door, Debbie, initially the only person who will believe him.

So, much of the end of the first act and the second act is devoted to the protagonists discovering the existence of the creature, plugging product placements all over the place – namely Coke and McDonald’s – and partaking in the film’s first sign of real insanity: kid-in-wheelchair rolling down a hill. It’s… Hilarious… Talk about taking advantage of the handicapped. Finally, these useless half-people are good for something. Laughter.

I was unable to accurately capture the insanity of the scene. Here’s that scene from Seinfeld instead.

Kid on bicycle flying in front of the moon: $792,910,554.
Kid in wheelchair flying straight off a cliff: Priceless.

Just imagine the end of that ride involves the kid in a steep drop right off the side of a fucking cliff into water. And then the little girl next door calling for help, pleading for our wheelchair-strapped hero to swim, Eric, swim! I don’t even understand why he’s rolling down that hill in the first place or why he didn’t think that if he positioned himself on a hill, gravity would just do the rest. Or, why he is unable to stop the chair. And why the hell does he appear to be strapped to it? Is that prickish alien behind it? Such questions may be asked but are clearly meant to go unanswered.

Use your legs, dammit!

The alien is clearly a menace, at least initially. It’s no wonder that most Americans fear the ‘other’. This little prick might not be a terrorist, but he does terrorize these people, trashing their house and then nearly drowning the little boy. It is only when the alien realizes his actions are un-American that he begins to clean up his act.

So, anyway, Eric finally manages to capture the alien, with help from Debbie, the Coca-Cola Company, and a vacuum cleaner. How he knew that his plan to suck the creature up with a vacuum would actually work, I’ll never know. Slapstick ensues, with the alien in the vacuum attempting to escape. When they finally let the creature go, they finally see it for what it really is: ugly. This is the point where, I think, most rational people would have quickly sought the destruction of that little turd, but not our heroes, no. Dumbass kids.

Coca-Cola: We save aliens.

Yes, folks, Coca-Cola is so ubiquitous, unreal, unchallenged and universal that alien creatures from other planets are saved simply by drinking its syrupy, sugary goodness. In fact, Coca-Cola doesn’t just have lifesaving powers, it is apparently what the aliens drink on their home planet. I believe that. Coca-Cola is loved by all peoples, on Earth and off it. Coke: a necessity of alien, and American, diet. That’s the power of Coke. That’s the power of America. America is so mighty as to reach beyond the stars. U-S-A! U-S-A!

After that, uh, nothing really happens for awhile. They keep it a secret from the mom. They discuss what to do about the freak. They carry on with their daily lives, which seems to only involve going to McDonald’s…

McDonald’s: Eating shit, the American way.

And the mom working or going for a run, while the kid, due to reasons of nonfunctioning legs, rides downhill next to her. I guess the whole “falling down cliff face into water” is to be forgotten. Also, second sign of real insanity: alien riding in a mini-car after them for no apparent reason.

That’s right. Let loose your dogs on that racist black kid caricature just like we used to do on real black people. That’s obviously a stolen vehicle.

So the third act really gets under way when the whole ‘we gotta get to the birthday party’ plot rears its head. Meanwhile, the FBI guys have discovered the whereabouts of our friend Mac, the mom’s going to work, and Mac’s family is dying. Hoorah.

Actually, I don’t know if these government guys are actually FBI. They could be NASA, but I don’t know if NASA sends out agents to retrieve aliens… Hell, I guess they could be INS then… This was 1988… Bah, just go with FBI.

Anyway, those kids have to get to that party. Why’s that? Because it’s at a fucking McDonald’s. Awesome.

What unfolds is one of the most hilariously insane third acts in movie history. I was going to count it as the third sign of real insanity, but then I realized it would be pointless since the entire last forty-five minutes is insanity, all the way up to the final moment of this fucked up film.

So basically they need to get to the McDonald’s block party but the government guys are nosing around. How the FBI actually found Mac I’ll never know. There’s a power outage and the first thing these guys suspect is an alien. Awesome. Your government agents hard at work, ready to blame random events on random people. Of course, being infallible, they’re right this time. But they might as well be using a dart-throwing monkey at this point.

Your dart-throwing monkey at this point, Robert Mueller, Director of the FBI.
He appears to be in the middle of throwing said dart.
Someone needs to help him improve his technique.

But how will the kids sneak Mac out of the house? By dressing the hideous alien creature up as a teddy bear, of course. Eric manages to convince the idiot mother, as all mothers are idiots, that Mac is a new sophisticated robot toy thing. The G-men follow them.

They arrive at the McDonald’s and all of a sudden it turns into a completely different film. I think some crappy musicians were filming a music video or something and it somehow became part of the actual movie. Or, more plausibly, they were shooting a McDonald’s commercial, and it just ended up in the movie. Seriously, this doesn’t even feel like the same film.

I had no idea what was going on and I’d actually stopped wondering by then. I mean, yeah, they escape to the McDonald’s. But why the fuck does this feel like it’s a just a McD’s commercial in the middle of the film? Why is everyone dancing? Why is it all nicely staged and choreographed? Why does no one question what is supposedly a robotic dancing teddy bear?

But all these questions do not matter anymore because this film has descended so far into insanity. It is just so baffling to watch; you know what you’re looking at but you don’t know what you’re looking at, almost like we’re in Ronald McDonald’s mind or something.

Oh shit… Speak of the devil… Literally. Ronald McDonald is actually the devil.

I literally cannot even describe what is going on. It honestly has to be seen to be believed. Everyone is dancing. Everyone.

From random people…

To fucking football players…

To… Mac, the dancing pedo bear…

What’s really insane is that nobody is questioning this at all. Why the hell are they so entertained by this? What is this, Japan?

It’s funny when you see Mac in every other scene, he is barely capable of moving any parts of his body, mostly just turning his head. When he runs, you don’t even see his legs move. But put him in a teddy bear outfit and suddenly he is capable of limbic movement. Does he appear to be in a different costume when he’s dancing?

But trust me when I say it is about to get even more fucked up…

The FBI is hot on their tail, so the kids leave the Twilight Zone McDonald’s. The chase is on, with the G-men running down the street after a kid in a wheelchair and his alien buddy.

Mac looks like my grandmother.

After a wild chase through some suburban streets and then through Ad #2 (Sears), Eric and Mac get picked up by Michael, Debbie and Courtney (Debbie’s sister and Michael’s, uh, love interest, for lack of better phrase). What to do now? Follow Mac, of course. Their justification? They’ve broken so many laws and are going to get caught sooner or later, anyway, so why not go on?

After awhile, they discover that Mac is leading them to his family, out in some cave somewhere. Of course.

They look more like a bunch of caricatures of Asian people lying around in an opium den, like it’s the late 19th century or something.
Instead of opium, the aliens need a good Coke fix.

Yes, folks, I should have mentioned that along with the blatant racist representations of the aliens, the only people capable of helping anyone in this film are white people. They’re the only ones who matter, apparently. White is right. Sure, there’s a prominent black guy at the end, leading everyone in the oath-taking, but at that point it just seems hilariously ironic.

Love at first sight.

Anyway, the kids and the alien family return to the city, whereupon the film descends into madness. What happens next is pretty dark and hilarious. You know, for the kids! Fuck the kids. I think the director really wanted to make a sci-fi action flick, but got stuck with this shit.

Aliens practicing for when the time comes that they need to be arrested.

Trouble is brewing. These aliens are uncouth, their barbarism clearly clashing with the sophisticated law-abiding citizenry. Never mind the fact that just minutes before a bunch of white guys were chasing a white kid in a wheelchair through the streets, causing god knows how many traffic accidents and violating god knows how many laws… These aliens are clearly the menace!

The usual scream of terror from a suburbanite woman upon seeing the aliens.
Aliens have just taken her soda.
Next thing you know, they’ll be taking her job, too.

So let me get this straight… These are uncultured, clearly non-white, aliens, who have entered the US illegally. They are potentially dangerous, are a menace to white suburbanites, do not understand English, and apparently just liking taking things… Okay.

The kids are helpless to contain the alien menace and the family escapes to terrorize a grocery store.

That’s right, stereotypically overweight white woman, the racist caricature dressed in rags is, indeed, real.

Why do these fat ignorant white people always have a hard time believing that non-white creatures could exist?

And I don’t know about the rest of you guys, but that image above seems deliberately done. You have a pair of hideous-looking mothers, one white the other not, with their hideous fucking kids (look, the kids are both half-naked and even have their arms in similar positions). I honestly can’t tell which pair is more disgusting.

The all-white patronage of this grocery store immediately begins fearing these non-white caricatures. Despite the fact that none of them have actually done anything illegal yet. Sure, the aliens are naked, they’re clueless, and they’re ass-ugly, but it’s hilarious how they’ll immediately call security and become extremely defensive when the aliens are clearly not out to intentionally harm anyone… Or are they…? Of course they are!

“You can’t see my face, but I’m George ‘Buck’ Flower and I picked the wrong week to quit drinking.”

The drunken Buck Flower proves to be surprisingly useless, as the alien immediately disarms the security guard with ease and hilarity. Grocery store security, the forefront of law enforcement and the frontline against alien invasion. There’s a reason these guys get years of training and have a reputation for being the most well-qualified and dangerous of all law enforcement officers.

Holy shit, the alien’s got a gun!

“This is the most racist shit I’ve ever seen. I’m black, I should know.”

The black alien’s taken that white kid hostage!
Oh wait… That’s a sheriff. My mistake.

There’s a brief standoff, initially. It’s almost like watching a police-robber standoff on the news or something.

“Down, down on the ground, scumbags! Do you aliens not understand English?! Drop the fucking gun, now! Drop it or we will shoot!”

Naturally, a shootout ensues. Wait, what? Apparently this kid’s film has a shootout at the end. It’s actually a pretty intense scene. I mean, it’s hilarious to me, because I’ve always been a fan of police method and the brutality of their actions. But for little kids, this is kind of extreme. Anyway, the police actually start firing on the aliens… One of the officers accidentally lets loose a bullet, prompting those dangerous aliens to return fire. Never mind that our guys shot first, those deformed degenerates need to be brought down.

The brief shootout is followed by a huge explosion, like some shit out of a Schwarzenegger movie.

Oh, shit…
Well, I’m sure he’s okay. I mean, it’s just a bullet to the chest and a huge explosion…
America’s “Finest”: Needlessly causing more damage than the would-be bad guys since… Forever.

The kid in the wheelchair actually dies and I’m actually convinced for a moment that I’m watching a kids’ film. It’s supposed to be emotional. But all I can think is he’s really only half a person, so he’s only half-dead. Finally, the phrase ‘half-dead’ makes sense.

But the aliens return and bring him back to life. These aliens can apparently restore life but they can’t restore the kid’s legs, thus proving, without a shadow of a doubt, that aliens – even racist caricatures – are more human than the handicapped.

Aliens praying to Allah to restore the boy’s life.

Not only is this incredibly convenient but who do these aliens think they are? God? Death is but a natural process of life. People need to die especially non-people like wheelchair-bound kids. Since kids are already like half a person, this handicapped kid is like half of half a person. I swear there’s one quick cut to the doctor in the background with a look on his face as if to say: “Well, I’m out of work. My job is totally useless now.”

So that’s the ending, right? In the immortal words of John Matrix: WRONG. These aliens actually become full-fledged legal fucking citizens of the United States of fucking America. I don’t know if that’s the greatest thing I’ve ever seen or the most ridiculous. Or both. Are you an illegal, presumably dangerous, alien hiding out in the US? Don’t do it illegally. Do it the American way: become citizens. Take advantage of all America has to offer and then fuck the country over from the inside. U-S-A! U-S-A!

So nobody’s going to question this at all, huh? We’re just going to go with this? … Okay.
U-S-A! U-S-A!

These aliens are God. Keep praying, sir, keep praying.

Plus, look at the face of the guy on the left. That’s a look that says: “I left a generic crappy non-Western country with a dictatorship and lots of police brutality, censorship and violations of my civil liberties, no human rights or due process and little opportunities for this?!”

Just a few more things. I’d like to mention that the main FBI guy is there taking the oath, along with just about everyone else in this movie who had a line of dialogue. The bearded guy and his friend come to mind. What the hell are they even doing there? Are all of these people applying to be US citizens? So you mean to tell me they were all illegals? Honestly, I’m not sure what the hell was going on because I was too busy laughing my ass off and fist-pumping nobody in particular when I saw the alien citizens.

Or maybe the film really is that stupid. Nobody even bothers to question the legitimacy of the entire thing. Nobody even bothers to think that these aliens would be better off somewhere where people might be able to study them. Fuck that, just give them their American citizenships and end the fucking film. U-S-A! U-S-A!

As a final “Fuck you” to the audience, the final scene is the ‘dad’ alien driving a fucking car on a freeway. How he got a license that quickly I’ll never know. At this point, you might as well have the kid driving, it’s that ridiculous.

Am I to assume that by choosing to drive a hot pink car that these aliens are gay, too?

This film is completely insane. And hilarious. It’s also pro-American, and shows a seething hatred of anything non-white, the way things should be. It’s a statement of American values, and our favoritism for them despite their seeming nonsensicality and hilarity. It’s a love letter to America’s corporations and a “Fuck you” to its audience.

Why this film hasn’t been preserved yet by the Library of Congress for “culturally, historically, or aesthetically significant” reasons I do not know. Coca-Cola, McDonald’s, inspiring the handicapped to be real people, and aliens becoming American citizens aren’t culturally significant reasons? Go to hell, Library of Congress, an un-American institution if I ever saw one.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to get a Big Mac and a Coke. Knowing McDonald’s, I’m sure they’ll have replaced the cow meat with actual alien meat. How do we get rid of aliens? Turn them into Big MACs, the American way. Or deport them.

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Next: The Garbage Pail Kids

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Random shit:

@ Your Stupid Minds (February 12th, 2010)

@ Cheap As They Come (February 22nd, 2011)

@ Media Dobson (December 27th, 2011)

@ The Movie Brothers (May 24th, 2012)

@ The Derby Killer (June 14th, 2012)

@ 10 alternate interpretations of Mac and Me (Den of Geek)

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